2014, Jul 10    

I am an average human and I often get jealous for all kinds of reasons. At times I get jealous of Elon Musk for being such an awesome serial-entrepreneur or I get jealous of that 67- year lady in our table tennis club who plays better than me and smashes the ping-pong balls like there is no tomorrow!

However last night I was jealous of you, if you happen to be one of those people who can fall asleep as soon as they hit the sack. I felt like those people are the most blessed people in the multiverse regardless of their financial conditions or other material possessions. They at least can sleep at their will.

My occasional insomniac night usually starts like this – I go to bed around 11.30 PM and as soon as I lie on the bed I feel there is something wrong, very wrong! Why on earth I Am feeling so active and energetic at this hour! I am supposed to be tired now, just like when I woke up this morning. Why things are going in reverse? But anyway, I should try to sleep.

12.00 midnight. It’s been already half an hour and why am I still awake? I have work at 8 AM next morning and I need to wake up at 7.18 AM. A normal person needs minimum 6 hours of sleep to be fully functional, but I am an abnormal person and I need minimum 7 hours of sleep to be barely functional. I have 18 more minutes. May slumber bestows upon me its blessing.

12.30 AM. Now I am sure this is going to be one of those nights. Why is it happening to me again? Welcome negativity. It starts small. Why that WordPress plugin in my website is not behaving? Why that colleague at office is not behaving? Hang on, negativity is not going to help, I should think about something positive, something happy. I have a wonderful mom, I have a wonderful Android phone (sorry mom for bringing Android in this), once I had a wonderful vacation in Okinawa….. but how possibly I did that silly mistake at my work today? It was like a junior school level calculation…how and why I did that mistake? Hello, you are thinking negative again…but it’s OK to think about it just for a minute, self-analysis is important. it was a simple percentage calculation where I was supposed to find that variable from the ….

Then the big ones enter the stage, the regrets. Back in 2010 University of British Columbia rejected my MSc application, I really wanted to study there. Thomson Reuters rejected me from the final interview, I really wanted to work there. I failed in cricket, I failed in programming. I failed in becoming a normal average human being.

3 AM. I should have tried spiritual way at least two hours ago. But it’s never too late, let’s pray. Now either I am failing to pray in proper way or God has a different plan, God perhaps will reward me for this prayer another day, another time. Not this time, not tonight. My prayer is not being answered at this very moment. I am wide awake in my train-of-thought. My train-of-thought is running through grief, guilt, regret, repentance and all those barren landscapes. There is no light at the end of the tunnel.

This continues till 7 AM. Then my (last) alarm rings at 7.18 AM. Bad morning.

PS: You thought you are the lone member of occasional insomniac club?

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